(Written in Government class)
This is the last page of this notebook. There are a few more blank pages but this is the one farthest back that isn’t filled in.
We’re okay now, us two. It’s not ideal, but the ideal would have us properly together. That’s not who she wants to be though and so
What did I remind myself of -no, better rephrase that- what was I reminded of, looking through the mirror?
(On the bus)
That’s one truth. I have never been there to help anyone. I have never been the person that anyone has relied on. I have never been there when someone was at their worst, to hold them even a little and tell them, “You are not alone.” Not able to hold onto anyone. Not able to help anyone. Not able to understand anyone when they needed it. Not on February 20th, 2002. Not in late January, 2007. Not in late Winter, 2009. Not on September 20th, 2009. Eight years. Almost nine. That right there is the boundary of emptiness. Those are the ashes of dreams. Ash-grey. Why do you blame yourself? It’s not as easy as believing that you were the right man in the wrong place and I still can’t believe that you beat yourself up about everything going as far back as Kassandra.
You hardly knew her; all you had was a crush that started the day before that day.
You know the others better, even if you couldn’t help them in the ways you believe you should have been able to.
You said it as far back as February. “Trust yourself, at least.”