I’m having an avalanche of conflicting thoughts at once.
I’m not alone. I know this. But somehow, it doesn’t resonate with me.
I guess I want to believe that someone out there can tap into my head and give me exactly what I want without a struggle, so we can avoid all of this “Hedgehog’s Dilemma” mess.
Before, I didn’t feel this sense of emptiness. Well, maybe it was always there, but I didn’t know anything else, so I didn’t know what I was missing until I had it and lost it. It sounds cliche, but it’s true.
No wait, there are problems with that thinking. I had the capability to be completely happy and at peace with myself before. It wasn’t exactly a common thing, but there were days that I really was perfectly fit with the world.
I never really got to share days like that with someone else, though, and now that I have it’s hard to go back to the way I was before.
Is it weakness?
It is, because I simply am not doing a good job of getting to a place where I can function normally while dealing with everything that’s happened.
Destrudo, I think, is manifesting. I felt it on the highway yesterday afternoon. And once I got home last night.
By just living one’s life, sadness accumulates here and there; in tv shows, movies and books; music, songs on the radio, a drive, a street, a nighttime walk, a park, rain, journals and letters, a mirror, a bed; a bottle of Coke, various streets, driving, recollections, and bus rides.